I feel that todays society force children to grow up way too fast. They are in fact just children and should be able to be for as long as possible. I remember when I was younger and just wanted to grow up at once. Looking back at this time of my life today, I realize how great it was being a child and just living for the moment. Getting older you automatically get more and more responsibilities and obligations. I believe it is in the hands of parents and adults to encourage children to play and have fun. They listen to adults and have them as their role models, so of course they want to be like them.
I have thought a lot about this new trend that everybody, even small children, get to have a cellphone. It may seem like quite an innocent little thing but why would a five year old need to be available for a call at all times? If it is that necessary, they can just borrow their parents phone. What happens is they get just as stressed out as adults, always having a nagging feeling that they need to answer the phone and bring it everywhere. You never get time off. The children copies the grownups behavior which leads to stress, and you shouldn't have to feel like that at such young age. I believe there are lots of similarities to this scenario and other things you get put through in the everyday life. If we adults don't acknowledge these problems, children wont be able to avoid them either.
My idyllic way of growing up is for the children to experience the world. Not through a TV or a computer but through their eyes and their hands, for real I mean. And as I mentioned before, the adults are the ones that have to make this happen. I don't think children are easily bored. They almost always find ways to entertain themselves so taking away video games and cutting down on time spent in front of the TV, will only spur them to use their own imagination and through this also stimulate their the brain in a better way.
To conclude, I don't know if there is some special experience children need as they grow up. I think they will do just fine with the things they have got, just as long as they are treated good and get to be children until they are ready to deal with the adult life.
On the whole, this is a well-written text. Your argumentation is very persuasive and your text is balanced. I also have a few suggestions for you:
SvaraRaderaStructure:
You do not mark paragraph divisions in this text, and that makes it harder for the reader to make sense of it. What you need to do is mark paragraph divisions by inserting a blank line between paragraphs or indenting the first line of a new paragraph. We're going to talk more about this in class next week.
It therefore took some extra effort to work out what your intended paragraph divisions are, but aside from that, the structure of your text is very clear. Your paragraphs are coherent and unified, and you make good use of transitions. The conclusion is very good. The only thing missing, really, is some kind of thesis statement for the introduction.
Language:
On the whole, your language is very good - both accurate and idiomatic. However, there are some things to work on as well:
-The genitive case is normally marked by adding an apostrophe: "today's society" in paragraph 1, and "their parents' phone" in paragraph 2.
-There are a lot of subject-verb agreement errors in this text. I'm just going to mention one of them - a tricky case in paragraph 2 ("I have thought a lot about this new trend that everybody, even small children, get to have a cellphone"). On the one hand, the verb needs to be singular because "everybody" always takes a singular verb. On the other hand, I understand that you probably chose the plural because of "children", which is a plural noun. Can you follow me? Well, the singular is correct in this instance but there's also an alternative solution: "I have thought a lot about this new trend that everybody gets to have a cellphone, even small children."
-"At such a young age" is correct (paragraph 2).
-"Won't" is correct (paragraph 2).
-The definite article is not used with uncountable nouns in the generic sense ("in everyday life", "ready to deal with adult life": paragraphs 2 and 4).
-The difference between adjectives and adverbs can be tricky. Adverbs modify (=describe) verbs, so "they are treated well" is correct (paragraph 4).
Keep it up!
/Teacher